I'm so tired of life. I've been really upset and bummed out tonight, and I don't know what is going on. I realized lately how pathetic my life is. Yeah, I have a boyfriend, and a job. I graduated high school early, and I go to church and get to play and sing in a band. You'd think my life sounds wonderful, right? Well you're wrong.

Things with my family suck. I live in a house where there's constant yelling and fighting. As much as she will tell you otherwise, my step-mom pretty much hates me. My dad doesn't really care about me as much as he says. He's never around because he works a lot, and then when he's home, he rarely will take the time to support things  that I do, and share interest with anything I have interest in. My mom and I don't talk much. I just saw her today, though, for the first time since October. Sad, huh? I think so. We can't spend more than five hours together before we get into a huge blowout.

I have a boyfriend who I love a lot. I feel like he means the world to me, but I still never feel satisfied. I hold on to this constant worry that he isn't gonna be around someday, that things won't work out, and I upset myself. He's my best friend, but when I can't hang out with him, or talk to him, especially when I really want to, I get really bummed out and sullen.

I used to be a social butterfly. I was friends with pretty much everyone, no matter who they were, or what kind of "clique" they belonged to. I'd hang out with friends daily, have sleepovers every weekend, and talk to friends on the phone from the time I got home from school till moments before I fell asleep. I used to be able to keep in contact with probably 40 people at once, despite how many times I moved, and I'd still get to see friends.

Now, I don't really have many friends. I rarely hang out with anyone anymore, nor do I talk to people on the phone, or really keep up conversations with them. Whenever I try and make plans with someone, I'm always let down because people enjoy breaking plans they make with me, or I feel like there's too many excuses being thrown around. I'm really just starting to feel like it's ME, not them. I'm realizing that there's no one I would really like to be best friends with right now. I'm always comparing people to others that I used to be good friends with, and I'm learning I'm missing my old friends more and more.

I miss being out of the house all the time with friends, and being able to tell my best friends anything. I miss it a lot.

The other thing is I just feel like stress dominates my life. You'd think being out of school, having a job and making money would make me happy, right? Well having money is nice, but I'm not as social anymore. Not that I really was before the job, since I started going to MHS social hasn't really been me. I don't see people at school daily. And then the days when I'm not working, it's almost impossible to make a plan with everyone. Then I start getting that feeling of loneliness once again...

My stress definitely carries over into the LP band. I feel like I need to be in control of things, and being in a leadership position, that's part of it. You need to have control, not necessarily be IN it, but you also need to have an open mind. I just feel like I'm always scrambling to do things for the band, and when I can't accomplish things I have this sense of disappointment in myself, and I start to get really angry with myself because I couldn't accomplish what was expected of me.

Even in work I get stressed out. When I can't control everything, it bothers me a lot. I want to make sure things will be okay, but I'm starting to realize that things inevitably just won't work out, or go my way. As hard as I want things to just be swell so I can move on to the next day, they probably won't.







I know I'm rambling a lot, and probably some of the things I have typed won't make sense to you, and that's okay. I'm just frightened at the thought that things in my life are going to digress. I don't want to grow up and not have friends that I can go out with and spend time with, and chat to about things. I don't want to be a miserable adult who's life revolves around work, and not even a family or social life, or even God.

The thing that scares me the most about all this is the fact I'm starting to think my old life was a lot more appeasing to me. Even though I'm in church and working I still get in trouble with my parents just the same...I get yelled at for breathing it feels like. I just feel like my fun level was a lot greater before I was saved, and that's something that really scares me. I don't know if it's because I'm not growing as a Christian, or if I just don't want to grow.

Realizing what everyone else is doing, going off to college, having a good time, I sometimes get the feeling that I miss drinking, and partying, and going out with friends. Is that the reason I don't have so many friends? Because everyone is interested in going out and doing those things, and I'm not?

I don't know...I don't want to revert back to my old ways, and I'm afraid that it's gonna happen someday. I just want my life to change and be for the better, but I just can't handle how it is right now. sdlfjsldjflsdfljksjdf.

I haven't posted in a while. It's actually been since Christmas, believe it or not. I feel bad because I hardly do anything on any of my social-networking sites, or even blogs nowadays. I go, upload whatever I have to, then get off. I never really check my friends' stuff.

I graduate in a week and a half. No more school!! I'm only allowed to attend Prom and the senior picnic. I'm excited, yet kind of nervous. I need to find a job. I've been searching a lot, and it's tough. No one is hiring. There are so many jobs, but no one wants to hire. Especially teens. Because there are so many adults out there without jobs, they'd rather hire them. What the crap is up with that?!

Oh well, whatever. I've been in a really good mood lately. Things have been great for me. I've been reading my Bible everyday since New Year's. I love it, and I'm moving at a fast pace, too. Well, kinda. I read slowly, but I give myself a little bit more time, and I get far. I started halfway through Genesis where I left off last time I read before New Year's. I'm now well into Leviticus. It's nice, and I'm a little less than a month ahead in my reading plan.

Andrew and I are reading the book of Psalms together, too. I love it, so far. Andrew and I are growing closer everyday. :) I love our relationship and what we share! I'm so blessed to have him in my life. :) We shared our six month anniversary a week and a half ago, too. T'was very nice.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop rambling. I promise I'll do some blog catching-up soon!

Today I got out of school at 11:30 and Erin picked me up. We went to Taco Bell for lunch, then went to the DMV so I could get my ID. That took like...two hours. Once we got out of there we went down the road to the bank and I finally opened up a checking account. I was so pumped! After that we went to the nice big mall nearby, and that was wonderful. I'd never really walked around in there before, and they had such wonderful stuff. I ended up going shopping a little, mostly Christmas presents, only for my good girl friends. Guys could deal with candy or something, I figured. I like giving people ANYTHING. But certain people I feel I need to give more to. Example: Best friends, boyfriend, his parents, lalala.

I liked being able to use my debit card though, and that was really nice. So then after we went to Target and I finished Christmas shopping...well almost.

Andrew and I agreed that we would shop for each other the day after Christmas, so we could be cheap and actually get each other nice stuff for a good price. We're so silly!! But I was glad that we came to a reasonable agreement, since we don't know what to get each other.

I'm gonna wait to get my nose pierced till after the holidays, I think. I don't want my nose piercing just yet, it's a little expensive considering how "little" money I have left, and I really need to just save up if I ever wanna drive someday.

Tomorrow I go to school at 10am. :) Late opening FTW.


Oh, and here's a cute pic of me and Andrew from this past weekend.